Out-and-Out Liars; Pushy Parents (Chapter 1, Part 2&3)

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This book is about out-and-out liars, about men and women who tell extraordinary lies to get to the top. In this book each chapter will look at out-and-out liar after out-and-out liar: Genesis, (the Book of) ,Jailbirds, Genesis, (the band). Conspiracy Theorists and Alien Abductees. We are going to blow the lid on the most elaborate fabrications invented, how Barbra Streisand lied to become a member of the Chosen People. We look at why, at Airplane crash sites of American or European long-haul flights bound for Asia, the wedding rings of the male passengers in both Business and Economy class are found in their brief cases. We will do the maths. In unravelling the tortuous web of deceit of the remarkable mythomaniacs among us, the duplicitous, the swindlers, and the down-right Machiavellian- I will state the case and garner a new sense of appreciation for the matter of affectation or success-by-lying.

What is the one question we always ask the successful-by-lying? We want to know if he or she can teach it to us. What kind of qualities does one need? Are cunning and guile pre-requisites? Does it help to have shady ancestors or come from a dodgy community or is one simply born with it? We suppose that all the above are necessary qualities to explain how such an outstanding and unscrupulous individual reaches the top.

In the new autobiographies published each year under the Category termed ‘Misery’, by children from the high-functioning Middle Class, Stage school graduates, Alumni of Business Schools such as Katz and The London School of Economics, geniuses and Computer analysts, the storyline is the same; our protagonist is born into a middle class family with pushy parents and through their constant interfering and round-the-clock pressure finds his way to isolation, mental depression, alcoholism and physical collapse. In the Bible it says. 'It is easier for an out-and-out liar riding on a stolen camel to enter the gate of heaven than it is for a gap-year student to pass through the eye of a needle’. The famous nineteenth century, Flasheman rose from poverty to riches through a mixture of cloak-and-dagger and eminence grise. “All said, I think having pushy parents is a disadvantage,” said George Bush, son of Ex-American President George W Bush and Barbra Bush, twenty-nine times former Women’s World Weight Lifting Champion. When he surveyed the havoc he had wreaked on the world at large and in America in particular, in a state of nervous depression, he repeatedly lamented that he had not come out of the wilderness as the ‘self-made out-and-out liar’ that he was just learning to become when he returned to it. And the truth lies somewhere within this statement for it is indeed that single belief that success, aided by the unrelenting interference of pushy parents is so ingrained that no one has noticed the increase in mental break-downs.

“Oooh Look, there’s a label inside this hat that has just come in!” exclaimed Mavis to her fellow second-hand shop workers as she sorted through a collection of soggy tat, “ Rob-ert Max-well?? ” This is a man who had had everything, who had enjoyed constant parental supervision and financial assistance, who had been given every educational advantage which these ladies –thankfully, had not, and who executed the most text-book financial manoeuvres ever thought up by his peers in business, who was tutored his early life to believe he was a King of Kings, and who died to leave a name the world would forget.

In Out-and-Out Liars. I want to compel you to see that these kinds of personal and heart-rending autobiographical testimonies, categorized ‘Misery’, offer clear evidence of how success through parental supervision and hard graft doesn’t work. People don’t just fall from something; they are pushed. Those who fill our asylums, standing around with the still vivid delusion they are Royalty, did not get there by themselves.

They have been the unfortunate beneficiaries of hampering advantages, equal opportunities and arriviste legacies that prevent them from learning to tell, first, little white lies, then, huge elaborate whoppers and then make sense of this cloud-cuckoo world, in the ways that others can. Of course where you grew up is essential and when is vital, otherwise you wouldn’t exist. The culture of fabrication we might wish to belong to, is born of the yarn that is the dubious genealogies our alleged parents say our forbears may or may not be, and hard-wires our ability to use wild leaps of the imagination in order to achieve. It is no good asking if success-by-lying can be taught to us. The key, of course, is simply by asking where they are from-although they will tell you everywhere but the place they are actually are from, and it will take you a several life-times to unravel the truth,- it is those who can unlock this riddled who will understand the logic behind those who succeed by lying and those who fail.

Ornithologists are always chirping on about the, ‘ecology’of scheming; the lapwing, known as the ‘winker’ because of its underhand nature, distracts the potentially prying from the true whereabouts of its nest, by setting itself a fair distance away and, on the ground, pretending to be injured, flapping a lame wing. It conceals its true address, which could be miles away or two doors down, so to speak. Its eggs are thus concealed by creating a decoy. It is one of Mother Nature’s prime examples of success-by-lying. This book, however, is not about a single lapwing; it is about whole machinations of them – and the Gay Junior Premier Soccer Team is a good place to begin because complicit in the lapwing's tale is the explanation for who gets to the pinnacle of the gay soccer world; it is a lot more mundane and commonplace than it looks. In fact, it downright happens.

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Here is the team roster of the 2008 Jeff Strikers. Get your thinking caps on and see if you can discern anything glaringly obvious.

No.     Name    Position     Height         Weight     BirthDate         Home County 1.   Sexsmith  Goal            4.2               7st            Dec. 31.         Hertfordshire 2  Ransack     Stud           Defense       5.2              7st             Dec. 31          Essex 3 Steph   Woodcock  Defence      5.2              7st              Dec 31            Essex 4 Randy   Colt            Defense      5.2              7st               Dec. 31          Kent 5Rock  Hardwick   Defense      5.2               7st              Dec 31           Surrey 6 Eric T   Pole          Defense      5.2               7st              Dec. 31          Buckinghamshire 7 Melaney   Blarney   Defense       5.2               7st              Dec 31          Kent   8. etc

Get the picture? Don’t be so hard on yourself if you didn’t, for years those in the soccer world who set up the system themselves, didn’t either. It wasn’t until a month ago, in June 2009, on a Thursday, to be exact, that a British Statistics Fantasist, named T. Otley Barmey, first brought attention to the trend called Strategically Placed Relatives.

Barmey was at Wembly Stadium, that day, at the listless match between The Rovers Return and the Jeff Strikers in London, England. He was eyeing up two boys while his hapless wife was reading the program, when she trawled a bleeding bitten nail down the list, just like she had done thousands of times while helping her husband look for mind-numbing trends.

"Barmey", she said “Do you know where these young men are from?”

Barmey, thinking his wife was on to his secret, said defensively. “No, why should I? England?.”

“ Yes, yes,” Mrs Barmey continued, “But which counties.”

“I knew she was on strong medication,” shared Barmey. “so  I snatched the program from her, looked through it, and that’s when I had a Eureka moment. For no reason whatsoever there were a lot of Buckinghamshire, Essex, Kent, Surrey and Hertfordshire counties listed as place of birth.”

Barmey went home that night and looked up on Gaydar the many wonderful photos of the players in the premier league; later, he looked up their places of birth. Again, he saw the glaringly obvious. Barmey, his wife, and a neighbour, another statistics nut, a West Indian, named Oscar Charles Denton, but called OCD for short, collected data on every player in the Twink Junior Gay League. The story was the same. More players were born in Buckinghamshire, England, than in any other county. And by a larger percentage. The next miraculously recurring birth place was Essex, England. The third? Hertfordshire, then Kent, then Surrey. Barmey found what nobody else cared to look for. He looked at the league list for Gay eleven year olds and thirteen year olds, all these were from the same five counties. He retrieved from the compost his findings of the National Gay Soccer League; the same story. The more his neighbour, OCD became agitated, the more Mrs Barmey kept an eye on the poker  in the fire grate under the Canada geese. In every single elite team without any exception – the most superlative of the most superlative- 40 percent were from Buckinghamshire, England in the United Kingdom, 30 percent, Essex. England, in the United Kingdom 20 percent Hertfordshire, England, in the United Kingdom and 10 percent Kent and Surrey, both in England in the United Kingdom.

“In all my years in statistics, I have never come across such a large affectation as this”. said Barmey, “You don’t understand what it’s like for a fantasist,” he said holding OCD up against the wall by his throat.

“Now, watch it you two”, warned Mrs Barmey prising the two men apart and drawing their attention back to the Memorial Gay League program. Can you grasp what their feverish minds grasped at that moment? Twenty-two out of twenty-two of the players of both teams were born in the Homo Counties.

Here is a play-by play for the first two goals in the Memorial Gay Cup, this time I have replaced Place of Birth with their Gay Porn-Star Names. It no longer reads like the Premier League of teams comprising players from the Homo Counties. It now reads like a very lively Porno film script starring teenage boys under the influence of Cocaine, Poppers and Pecuniary Reward.

Rock Hardwick  creates a hole  around one side of Jeff Strikers' nets leaving a ball for his playmate Erec T, Pole who passes it to Randy Colt who flips him on his back taking him before Stef Woodcock shoots blanks all over Striker's Sax E Smiths’ girly nets. Sax E Smith, who is very hot, is then roasted by Rogering Rogers’ Randy Colt, who shoots! Jeff Strikers' Hardwick, the camerman Melanie Blarney and Ransack Stud all dive in to finish him off while a still Stef Woodcock looks on helplessly.

Let’s play the whole thing over again.

Rock Hardwick  creates a hole  around one side of Jeff Strikers' nets leaving a ball for his playmate Erec T, Pole who passes it to randy colt who flips him on his back taking him before Stef woodcock shoots blanks all over Strikers' Sax E Smiths girly nets. Sexy Smith, who is very hot, is then roasted by Rogering Rogers' Randy Colt, who shoots! Jeff Strikers' Rock Hardwick, the camerman Melanie Blarney and Ransack Stud all dive in to finish him off while a still Stef woodcock looks on helplessly.