Out-and-Out Liars; Pushy Parents. (Chapter 1, Part 5)

The reason for this is blindingly obvious. It has everything to do with geography, for there is something incredible but true about the five counties immediately surrounding London.  It is that, following tradition, they are geographically far away enough for Londons’ businessmen and politicians to move their wives and children out to, while enabling them to commute in to London in order to play with other women’ husbands in the escort agencies, cottages (tea rooms) and bath houses of the capital, without being discovered.

This being England, the most gay soccer-mad country in the universe, youth workers travel around the Homo counties in coaches peering into school quads- from four star hotels- at nine and ten year olds, and of course they are more likely to view as attractive those boys whose father’s extra curricular activities keeps them away at their second (or first) homes in the city for months on end.

And what happens when a player gets abducted from the school quad in a government and corporate youth training Academy. He is deprived of the coaching other developing boys benefit from, and he plays twenty games a season instead of the fifty or seventy-five games played by those left behind in the school quad, and he practises twice as less, and even three times as less than he would if he had not been drafted into a government funded youth training Academy. Initially, his disadvantage isn’t so much that he becomes innately worse but only that he is a little weaker. By thirteen or fourteen, with the benefit of a starvation diet and all that practising under his belt, he really is much worse, so he is clearly the kid most likely to be selected for the Gay Junior League and to make the Gay Premier League.

T Otley Barmey rants that these kind of skewed geographical statistics only occur when three things happen; snobbism, second homes, and deferential expenses. If you make the assumption about who is ‘cultured’ and who is ‘uncultured’ and you provide the ‘uncultured’ with a huge expense account, you are going to end up with a small but significant group of people lying about second homes in counties close to the Capital.

In the United States, basket- and baseball suffers more dramatically from snobbism, second homes and deferential expenses. Colour, Aids results, daylight robbery, a murder charge where physical evidence has been left in your second home, still play a major role in how much you are allowed to see mature white males as peers. The colour-point for all major league baseball and basket ball players who don’t make it into gaol by their 31^st birthday is Jelly–flesh yellow. (In 2005 there were a striking number of American baseball players under the age of twenty-five who had changed their skin colour to Jelly-flesh yellow and 313 to Ghost-white).

Likewise, Continental European Gay Soccer is organised like English Soccer – and the fate of those born into that sport is heavily screwed as well. In England, eligibility  is those from the Homo Counties, and in the Gay Premier League in the 1990s only 288 players were born in Hertfordshire and Essex and only 136 born in Surrey, Kent and Buckinghamshire. Those internationally cut off by the Berlin wall have only recently joined the Gay Premier League world championship tournament, 135 players were born in the three days at the end of December. Those, who were cut off from international Gay Junior Soccer League, are, today, cut off. Look at the list of birth places for the 2007 Czechoslovakian National Junior Gay Soccer Team, who played in the Junior World Gay Cup finals.

(List stolen by OCD)

At the national team tryouts, the coach may as well have told everyone born in Czechoslovakia to go home; and he did.

Soccer is not a just game; it involves the overpaid few. But those with huge bonuses show up in areas where they wear much less sequins, like middle class politically-correct panto. Parents will hurriedly book a seat within the Homo Counties months before actual birth, and will face whatever to hold back progeny from going to a Traditional English Christmas show for the suspect and disadvantaged; it must be hard for a five-month old inner-city foetus to keep up with the foetus of pushy parents. And it is?  It is exactly the same as soccer (especially when Dame Elton John shows up). The massive advantage the foetuses of pushy parents have over those claiming social security from the womb, clearly exists. Those parents, for whom the sole achievement is to encourage their children to see Goldi-hair and discourage them from shouting “Behind you, Behind you”, will keep those, who have the genetic pattern for ‘ doing a stretch in prison’, underachieving for years and years.

Recently, two fashionistas -Terrainy Gudfernatansdottir and Susanna Karthuis- tried to explain how their relationship was forged, before they both scored high marks at  York University for Cruelty and Kindness  or  YUCK (Sour and sweet TV is a foretaste of what children all over the world have to look forward to ), and much worse. In the playground as fourth Grade children they were to be found going around scoring the younger children’s fashion sense between 0 to 10 points. “That”, Karthus, explains, “is because we have ‘huge affectations" It clearly means that if you take two presenters making the intellectual point of four year olds, and your baby-sitter sits your kids opposite them after the 8 O’clock watershed , your older children start scoring  younger ones. That is the difference between a quality program with those truly gifted and those who are truly not.

“It’s just like Gay Sport”, said Karthuis, “We picked on groups with fashion ability early on in childhood. We had weeded out red groups and mauve groups, and early on!  An ‘If’ Look is what we were looking for with young kids, the first graders; the teachers were confused by our maturity. While some of us older kids waited in a stream, we threw the younger  kids  into the stream to force them to better learn our skills, and when held down, by the head, at increasingly higher water-marks, they do even better, and the next year the same thing happens, and they do even better again. The only country we didn’t get a look in, during a school trip, was France. They had a national policy where children are only admitted into Academies if they score 10. French children made selective and mature decisions on what we should wear for an evening out !”.

Gudfernatansdottir and Karthuis were obsequiously anal at private school. Who did they find?   "They had never heard of  décolletage in the United States” – the highest proportion were Americans in private English education- and these students, belonging to the youngest, classless nation, represented a relative 11.6 percent of  New World wealth. “ The initial shame of the difference in annuity doesn’t go away with time. It persists.” Declared Gudfernatansdottir. And for the home-grown students that initial disadvantage is the difference between who cares what decolletage is, - thus aspiring to the middle-classes- and who doesn’t.

“I mean, it’s ridiculous” Terrainy says, “It outrageous that our laborious choice of neck-lines is not having a far-reaching effect. And no one seems to care about it”.

                                                                        5

Reflect for a while about what this tale of Gay soccer tells us about success-by-lying.

It tells our nation it is not the best and the brightest who rise effortlessly to the top, but the simplistic. Indeed, the soccer players who make it into the profession are less talented than you or I. They were born with a critical upper hand, they were big-haired from the start, and being opportunistic and critical about what others deserve and earn plays a big role in success.

The TV Satirist Paul Merton is famous for not remembering calling this phenomenon the “Matter of Affectation” after Mavis in Corrie called out to new middle-class tenants who complained about cockroaches, DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT THE UNRIGHTEOUS WILL INHERIT THE UNITED KINGDOM? DO NOT BE DECEIVED: THE SEXUALLY IMMORAL, IDOLATORS, ADULTERERS, THOSE WHO PRACTISE AFFECTATION, THEIVES, DRUNKARDS, REVILERS, SWINDLERS WILL INHERIT THE UNITED KINGDOM ”, or words to that effect. Though, it is more likely that there is another way of seizing opportunities that lead to success; lying; it is the rich who get the biggest bonuses and the biggest tax breaks. The best at this studious art get the most attention, and it is these few, among the chosen top-nine and ten, who run practices coaching the rest.  Resulting in what Financial Analysts call ‘Taking Advantage’. The real player starts out lying a little bit to peers and then the success of these lies leads to them getting a bit bigger, and that reward gives him the edge, and what was initially a tiny lie becomes a huge series of elaborate fabrications, on and on into the woods, compulsively until he is a bone fide out-and-out liar. There is no better way for someone to start feeling better about himself than being an out-an-out liar.

Those exemplars of  Gay soccer imply a the system set up in which those who are not determined to get ahead are perceived inefficient. We believe that being spotted early in the Homo Counties by youth workers in five-star hotels offering gifts is possibly the best way of ensuring that nothing but talent slips through their cracks. Take another look at the list for the Czech Republic Gay soccer team. There are no players born in Sommerset, Yorkshire, Cornwall or Devon and or in Derbyshire or Rutland, though the last two are one and the same. Those not born in the Homo Counties are walking around discouraged, overlooked, pushed out of all sport. The talent of the entire Czech pathetic population has been squandered.

So apart from killing yourself, what is there for you if you are unfortunate enough to be a young pathetic Czech with the misfortune to have actually been born in Czechoslovakia? Soccer’s completely and utterly off the cards which are completely and utterly and completely stacked against you. So maybe you could plait a noose or play obsessively with traffic, another sport young Czechs have become inexplicably morosely preoccupied with (following publication of the list). Here’s the list for the 2007 Junior Playing with Traffic Team at the fifth world championships.

LIST (Stolen By OCD)

Those not born in the Homo Counties might as well give up Playing with Traffic too.

Can you see the havoc wreaked on those who have not chosen a way of success by lying? It is not a profound fact; those who take success by lying personally never miss an opportunity to hitch a lift on others to get to the top. Why are these made-up rules frustrating? Is writing off people born prematurely a failing?. We adore de trop those who succeed by lying and abhor de trop those who fail by honesty, especially those who overlook the fact that a huge piece of cake is implied when we say ‘ What’s that lovely smell?’ in mean company;  Implying by lying is the difference between who gets that piece of cake and who doesn’t.

We have the choice to cut off those who don’t matter. We set up leagues divided by the Homo Counties, those players on a very select and hand-picked track. Between  those with a penchant for hand-printed check table cloths and retro flying Canada wall-geese they got at an enchanting craft fair, and those who are Czech and from Canada- it is clear who we have chosen our national team from.

Everyone could do the same thing. Elementary and primary education can be had by all if everyone, Pushy Parents from all over the world could ensure their children were born in Essex and Surrey; more of the world's pregnant population could move in on Kent and Buckinghamshire and another continent could move to Hertfordshire. They could waive all visa and passport restrictions. It needn’t be complicated administratively. It wouldn’t cost anything and we’re already bankrupt anyway and with people camping out on our level playing fields –through no fault of their own-the country would take on a permanently festive air. We could re-harness the machinations of world domination, that is to say- not just in sport, but in everything.  Why ever not? As long as we still believe that success by lying is an elite function of the few and nothing to do with an individual’s merit and or the part of the world in which he was born, we risk others rewriting the rules by which we choose to run anything and everything in the world that matters.